Before you go on, let’s take a look at the big picture – counselling as an eye-opening tool for couple improvement, not a grim setting where someone talks over you and your partner’s head.

One of the most talked about life topics is marriage. Marriage often happens when two individuals like each other and intend to take the bold step to become an official couple. Considering the excitement of doing life with the one you love, it might be easy to think of the big wedding only. This is where counselling comes in.

For many people, having an eye on the big event may trump the substance of marriage. Considering the rate of divorce in recent times, understanding this thing called marriage with the help of experienced counsellors makes sense.

In this article, you will discover why pre-marital counselling should be in the cards for you and your soon-to-be partner.

Here are four reasons why you need to visit a counsellor with your lover before signing the dotted lines:

To Improve Anticipation

Saying ‘I love you’ to each other every minute of the day is not all there is to living with your lover for the rest of your life. There is a measure of tolerance, patience and understanding needed to make a success of your approaching marriage. Sitting with seasoned counsellors who have navigated the same terrain for many years will put the journey in perspective while equipping you and your significant other with key soft skills and conflict-resolution tools for the days ahead. Yet to consider it? Try it out today!

To Resolve Differences

The illusion that love is enough remains the reason why many relationships crumble under the slightest pressure. Having two people from different backgrounds in the same boat comes with unique challenges. These are people with unique outlooks on life. Thoughts on money, family and career can cause division if not discussed ahead of time. The best time to agree on such sensitive subjects is before. Hence, pre-marital counselling gives couples room to see weighty topics through the eyes of the next person and meet each other halfway before the journey begins.

To Foster Communication

Becoming one with someone you have fallen in love with is one thing. Staying in love with them in a long-term game that involves constant verbal and non-verbal exchange is another. This is where counselling comes in. Considering the unexpected twists and turns that are bound to show up on this lifelong journey and its impact on one’s health, understanding how the partner thinks and interprets every form of communication is important. With the input of the trained third party, thinking patterns are bound to come to the fore. This helps the couples know how to address each other respectfully, leaving the couple better than ever. Alternatively, some couples go through counselling and agree that they have no business taking the big step because of unique differences. Either way, it leaves both parties better than before. And in the long run, that is a good thing.

To Identify Patterns

Psychologists say there is usually a strong tendency to play out the familiar. What this means is that each person is bound to rely on their personal or learned experience in a particular terrain. For many people, watching their parents or older relatives in marriage creates their idea of what an ideal marriage should be. This is in spite of despising certain parts of the same. Over time, these examples embed themselves in our subconscious where the line between right and wrong may be blurred due to respect or repetition. This explains why many people get married and have certain ‘unspoken’ expectations of their partner.

During counselling, some exercises are carried out. This reveals hidden expectations and each person’s mindset ahead of time. There is also the likelihood of unresolved childhood traumas coming to light. These are events that have happened in a person’s childhood that have not been adequately processed and addressed. Leaving it unattended poses a threat to the success and longevity of the union in view. Fortunately, the potential stings in these issues can go away if both parties are open to resolving them during the sessions.

These are reasons why you should explore premarital counselling before the big day. Have you gone for counselling or know someone who has? Please share your experience by leaving a comment below.

Look out for the next article!

The post Marriage Counselling: 4 Reasons to Explore It appeared first on Hermaze | Relationship, Beauty, Fashion, Family Articles for Women.

Anyone can be an Abuser

Contrary to popular belief, an abuser does not look or behave a certain type of way. Abusers sometimes grow up in privileged home and experience love and care like other children. A person who is good-looking, soft-spoken and super nice can be an abuser. This is because an abuser feels the need to shut his/her spouse up, correct and control them. He/she does this and sometimes makes up for it by buying gifts or cooking a delicacy or feeling sober for a little while all a bait to appeal to the victim afterwards return to status quo.

Anyone can be Abused

It is often believed that women are the only victims of abuse. However, this thought is quickly becoming a thing of the past as it is often whispered that some men are being abused by their wives. Due to the machismo associated with men, the cases of abuse against men usually go unreported. A lot of the women who abuse their husbands do sometimes because they think they can always get away with it/ as a preventive measure. The selfish need to put fear into him often makes them do this. A child that watched their father or mother go through abuse could feel the need to control the spouse when he/she grows up except he/she goes for counselling or makes a conscious effort to resist the urge.

Abuse can be Verbal

A lot of people believe that the only time someone can be abused is only when the person has been beaten up or sexually assaulted. This is far from the truth. Verbal abuse is more dangerous because what we hear affects our thinking. The power of words is often underestimated. Words can evoke bitterness in a person and make them do what they would ordinarily not do. Some couples go through divorce after many years of marriage because they are unable to let go of the hurtful things the person said years back. Verbal abuse can wreck a person’s health by leaving the door open for conditions like Depression, High Blood Pressure and Cancer. Verbal abuse can also destroy a person’s sense of worth. A lot of people end up with low self-esteem because their partners make them feel worthless. This can cause depression and eventually lead to suicide/death.

 Abuse is about Control

The need to be in charge or subdue the next person is what gives rise to domestic violence. When a man or woman feels the need to give their spouse a reason to be afraid of them, that person might take it to the next level by lashing out at them mentally (using hurtful & demeaning words), physically (beating up the spouse), emotionally (cutting the spouse off from family & friends), financially (denying the spouse access to money so they can succumb). All the different expressions can be termed as abuse as it tampers with the well-being of the victim.

Abusers are Manipulators

Abusers are usually very good at reverse psychology. They always have a way of making the victim think that they caused it. He/she could tell the victim how no one would believe them. If that does not work, they can shed crocodile tears and threaten to kill themselves if the victim says anything about leaving. Sometimes, the abuser uses the carrot and stick technique. On one hand, they can win the victims over by showering them with expensive gifts to appeal to them. On the other hand, they can threaten to kill them or take the children away from them.

Marriage does not correct Abuse

Some people see signs of abuse and ignore such thinking it would change after marriage. Getting shouted at or receiving slaps during courtship is a red flag. Whatever a person does before marriage will not change after marriage. It will only get worse. If you are dating someone who does not value your opinion and shows disapproval by saying hurtful things, beating or shaking you to drive the point home, you need to break up that relationship. A man/woman who uses frustration as an excuse before marriage will cite frustration after the marriage. Prevention is better than cure. The damage caused by abuse is better imagined than experienced.

Children are also Victims: A lot of victims stay in the marriage because of the “how will I take care of my children?” factor. Some women do not envisage future challenges and as such don’t work to make ends meet. Even if she does, she might not be making so much to take care of them without the help of their father. Also a married woman is never welcomed back to her father’s house no matter what she experiences. She is only told to go back and endure. Unfortunately, staying in a toxic environment exposes the children to psychological trauma which can breed hatred for their parents. This can prevent the children from trusting people while making them potential abusers.

Ways to Tackle Abuse

• Speak Up: The first step is to speak up. If you are being abused, you need to cry for help. You can also record a discreet video as evidence so the necessary authorities will know that it is true. There are different bodies and NGOs that take up cases of abuse and ensure that victims get justice. You can reach out to such people to help you out.
• Separation: The next thing to do is to take the victim(s) including the children away from the abuser. This is usually done to save the lives of the victim and children. It is better to leave the abuser’s environment especially if your life is in danger
• Seek Counselling: Victims of abuse are usually traumatized due to the ill-treatment meted out on them. It is important to go for counselling in order to heal and come out of the effects of abuse. If the abuser is truly ready to desist from the act, he/she should go for counselling and be monitored. This should be done with caution as the abuser can pretend to be sorry and kill the victim once he/she moves back into the house.

Eternal vigilance is the price of liberty. As a person, don’t ignore any sign of abuse in your relationship. As a neighbour or friend, do not condone any act of abuse. Speak up today!

The post 7 Facts You Need to Know About Domestic Abuse appeared first on Hermaze | Relationship, Beauty, Fashion, Family Articles for Women.

How do you prepare for what you have never experienced? Here are a few factors that must be properly managed to make the journey a memorable one:

Child-birth

Nothing prepares you for the experience of birthing a child. It is the most beautiful miracle there is. Watching the life you have carried rush out of you after unusual sensations in your body can be overwhelming. Some mothers laugh out loud in excitement. For others, crying is the next thing because of the reality that sets in. In all, this phase has to be enjoyed and endured for the whole journey to be a truly rewarding one.

Natural Birth/ Caesarian Section Problem

This is one challenge that a few mothers encounter. It is important to keep an open mind when it is time for the baby to be delivered. You might plan to have your baby naturally but something comes up and you are advised to do a C-section. Don’t refuse for religious purpose or because you want the world to call you strong, remember that the major thing is to have you and your child alive and well. Listen to the doctor and follow their instructions while you hope for the best.

No Me-Time

The motherhood phase is so much work that you practically get to kiss personal time goodbye. You can dump the alarm clock for the first three months because that little baby controls your day as he/she depends on you for everything. One way to enjoy the phase is to get help from friends and relatives so you can rest and get back the strength to nurse your baby while taking care of yourself. Having people at home to help you will make it easy for you to sleep when the baby is asleep and wake up in time to attend to the baby’s needs.

Unexpected Changes

It feels great to have a life that is comfortable and steady but nothing prepares you for the reality that stares you in the face after the children show up. It is a mix of the good, the bad and the ugly. Your body becomes different and you have so much on your plate that you sometimes ask God to take you home, lol. Stay sane by telling yourself it is a phase. It will get more tasking but easier as the children grow.

The Six-week Holiday

Contrary to the meaning of this word, this is not a walk in the park. It is not a trip to an exotic island to have fun, it is the time you are required to stay off sex after the baby shows up. Though you might choose to cut the holiday short for personal reasons, the doctors generally advise that you take at least 6 weeks off to help your body heal and prepare itself for the future.

Unsolicited Advice

This is one thing that has a way of rubbing you the wrong way. With all the baggage you get to deal with and the doubt you experience, having people lord their opinions over you can make you snap. However, you need to be careful so that you don’t lose relationships. You can avoid those who are fond of telling you what to do or grow a thick skin. Pick out what you find useful and discard other bits that are not alright by you. You are a mother with instincts and you will eventually find out what works for you.

Post-partum Depression

Studies have shown that a lot of new mothers suffer from depression. The roller-coaster of emotional turmoil and the weight of being responsible for a new life can push you off the edge, mentally. Unfortunately, a lot of women do not speak up because of the high expectations the society has of mothers. A lot of women are told to shut up and get over their issues or told that it is all in their mind. Post-partum depression is real and it is important to get help before suicidal thoughts surface.

Exclusive Breastfeeding/Formula Feeding

Once the baby is born, you are left with caring for the child and ensuring he/she is well fed. It is not uncommon for this to cause issues between husband and wife or even relatives. EBF is the medically advised form of feeding because it is less expensive and neater since the breasts are usually washed. Wisdom is however profitable to direct. It makes no sense to lose your child or sanity due to underfeeding. Therefore, if you are not lactating enough, kindly add formula to the mix. Formula feeding requires extra care and neatness so as not to expose your child to infections. It is important to read the instructions on the tin and follow same through.

Birth Control Options

Getting pregnant immediately after having a child is not only expensive, it can affect your relationship with your husband and get you depressed. This is why you need to speak with your husband and work out a way to keep child-bearing on hold until you are mentally, emotionally and financially ready to go through the cycle again. Before the end of the six weeks holiday, you need to visit the hospital together and go through the options available. Consider the pros and cons and do the necessary tests to ascertain how the option will affect your health. It is important to give your doctor your medical history so you can get an option that suits you.

You might want to consider the following solutions to help manage the factors mentioned above

Counselling

A problem shared is a problem half solved. If you feel like you are losing your mind, speak with a counsellor. A counsellor is trained to hear you pour out your mind and offer soothing words where necessary. You should go with your husband for such sessions so that he can benefit from it. Husbands often feel neglected because of the responsibility and shifted focus that comes with nursing a child. Talking about it and having him pour out his mind to a neutral person will help both of you bond as you work together to manage life as new parents.

Join a Support Group

New mothers are often frustrated because they are expected to be perfect and matured. Having a group of experienced mothers who are sympathetic to your plight to walk you through this stage will help you feel better and happier.

Work with your Spouse

It is important that you carry your husband along so you can bond with each passing day. The presence of relatives who want you to do things their way can frustrate you but your husband can speak for you and make your life easy so you don’t come across as rude when you are not comfortable with some suggestions. Tell him your challenges while you listen to his suggestions and work out a middle ground to sort out all the issues that comes with the new phase.

Mind Control

The mind is the seat of power. Your will can get you through the toughest season of your life. Draw strength from within and do the best you can for you and your family. Don’t strive to be perfect, just live each day as it comes. Do what you can do and leave the rest. You can also get someone to help with the chores so that you don’t crumble under pressure.

While motherhood is both tasking and exciting, it is a beautiful experience with wonderful memories. Do your best and enjoy all that comes with it.

The post The Motherhood Phase-9 Factors That Can Make Or Break You appeared first on Hermaze | Relationship, Beauty, Fashion, Family Articles for Women.