7 Habits That Marriage Cannot Change

Folakemi Philips — Tue, 31 Oct 2017 14:54:37 +0000

It is often said that marriage is the major factor that makes a person responsible. This might sound logical but it is so untrue. It is bad because of the effect of these bad habits on the next person. So you hear a woman complain to her friend that her son is lazy and the next answer is “don’t worry, once he gets married he will change”. Let us examine these issues that may not only remain unchanged but could also endanger the beauty of the relationship or marriage.

Laziness

A lazy or laid-back person will not suddenly find the energy or drive to do things differently because the rings are in place. This is a big issue especially if the lazy person did not hide it during courtship. As the adage goes “a man does not smell what he cannot eat”. This simply means that you don’t tolerate what you despise. So if you are in love with a lazy man who borrows money from you every time without paying back or has no clue as to where he is headed in life, you just took on a liability and marriage will only magnify this weakness.

Lying

Imagine poking holes in a dress and stitching it every time to make it look presentable…that is lying. Lying is seen as a necessary evil to keep a relationship together. It is popular belief that some truths are better left unsaid but that is a coward’s excuse. Liars are people who find it easy to hide the truth by presenting a story that will absolve them of blame. If you are thinking of doing something you cannot be proud of, you have no business doing it at all. If you are dating a blatant liar, you are setting yourself up for trouble. The possibility of having peace of mind is almost zero and you may never be able to trust such a person.

Cheating

Cheating is seen as an innate ability of men due to the need to feed their insatiable appetite. Some ladies deceive themselves by saying that a man will drop the habit immediately he gets married which is actually a fallacy. Cheating and lying go hand in hand as a cheat will always hide his ways or blame his cheating on his gender. Apart from the hurt that comes with having to share your lover with everyone in skirt, you could also contract STDs. If your man is already cheating on you, getting married to him will not make him stop the nasty act.

Smoking & Drinking

It is unusual to have a smoker that does not like the comfort of the bottle. A man who is addicted to either smoking and/or drinking will have issues with making sound judgment or decisions. Another side effect of being with a man who clings to the bottle/stick is the ability to block you out when he faces trials at work. Apart from other challenges like dealing with second-hand smoke, its effect on the family purse and the influence of this bad habit on the future offspring; the high possibility of battling certain illnesses like cancer or liver cirrhosis must be considered. Therefore, if a man derives joy from constantly smoking or drinking with friends, it is a tall order to expect him to give it up after the wedding day.

Overspending

The importance of saving for rainy days cannot be over emphasized. Unfortunately, a lot of couples don’t discuss finances before marriage. Overspending will not only affect the family finance, it could also put the family at the mercy of creditors. This is because of the need to borrow when important needs arise. This could also cause quarrels because of the constant pressure the family will face on such occasions. Therefore, anyone who seeks to have a blissful marriage should marry someone with a proper spending/saving plan.

Jealousy

Contrary to popular belief, this is not based on true love. This type of jealousy thrives on insecurity which is the feeling of self-doubt or low self-esteem. Insecure men believe that their significant other might leave them for other people; this fear makes them to take very stiff measures in the bid to prevent their partner from getting attention from other men. These measures include stalking or going through the phones of their significant other which could lead to physical, verbal & financial abuse. If you have been a victim of any of these measures, marriage will only feel like bondage to you.

Slandering

The act of saying bad things about people is not something to be taken lightly. If your partner never has good things to say about people, you should be afraid. This simply shows the tendency to push blames to other people apart from himself. You might not get the picture until you imagine your partner telling his family members that you are responsible for his troubles. Whoever slanders a person does so when the person is absent; this could plant seeds of discord while preventing the victim from making progress. Frankly, this habit is one that may never die except your partner makes a conscious effort to keep his lips sealed.

After these habits have been discovered, you can take a few steps to salvage the situation.

Have a Discussion: It is possible that your partner does not know that these habits can cause problems in the future so talking to him respectfully can help him realize his mistakes and inspire him to work on it
Speak to a mentor: You should know persons that your partner is accountable to i.e. people who can correct him and walk him through the path to recovery while helping him become a better person. If you have spoken about it and changes have not been made, you should speak to these mentors to help you call him to order.
Counselling: After speaking with your partner about the habit(s) and involving his mentor, you might want to go for counselling together to bare your mind before a neutral person who will also help the both of you go through the correction phase while helping you discover some habits that you also need to work on.

It is noteworthy to state that the basic step to correct these habits is dependent on the ability of the person in question to accept that he has issues and work towards becoming better. If your partner is living in denial or pretends to make changes on his own without actually doing so, you might need to re-evaluate that relationship or call it quits. A lot of marriages break because of the “I will manage it” or “what will people say?” factor which is not the best option. Marriage is for life which is why any habitual change should happen before the wedding day to avoid stories that touch. Be aware and watchful as you work towards a long-lasting relationship with the love of your life.

The post 7 Habits That Marriage Cannot Change appeared first on Hermaze | Relationship, Beauty, Fashion, Family Articles for Women.

Steps to Overcoming Relationship Issues

Tomiwa Adeleye — Fri, 24 Mar 2017 09:28:02 +0000

There is no perfect relationship without its ups and downs. Even couples who have spent years together still record friction one time or the other. Continuing from the earlier post 4 Relationship Problems You Have Not Considered, this steps will provide remedy for issues you are likely to encounter in every relationship

1. Overcoming Criticism:

Once you find out you are criticizing instead of being constructive, slow down! It is advisable to plan ahead, possibly write down feedbacks before commenting. In other words, you may need to meticulously stick to your scripts so you won’t find yourself diverting to the lane of criticism. Moreover, it is advisable you focus your feedback on a specific behaviour. If not, dwelling on different behaviours could easily be regarded as criticism. Ensure you don’t generalise your feedback on your partner’s personality – it is an intending doom.

2. Overcoming Contempt:

Contempt comes from disappointment and anger. It builds when a partner loses interest in the other party. This is usually stoked when you discover a negative change in your partner – some things you had never noticed before. Also, there may be things which were interesting about that person but not anymore. This can make contempt surface unexpectedly. However, not everyone is avoidable especially close relations such as your spouse, family members, and co-workers. In this case, you need to focus on managing your relationship with the person with special anti-contempt awareness in mind which will help you find a common ground, see past the bad and see the good in the person. You can do this by learning to become emotionally intelligent; explicitly, having the capacity to become aware of, control, and express your emotions, and to handle interpersonal relationships judiciously and empathetically. Abraham Lincoln once said “I do not like that man. I must get to know him”.

3. Overcoming Defensiveness:

Even if you don’t see things the same way with your partner, you should be ready to LISTEN ATTENTIVELY to your partner if you are ever going to overcome defensiveness. This does not mean that you should agree with the person. Instead, you focus on the person’s message so you can reach a mutual understanding. In overcoming defensiveness, it is critical that you remain CALM. Let me share a personal experience with you. As a contact centre representative carrying out telemarketing services, I was distracted by the noise coming from two agents beside me. For slight irritation, I decided to ask them to reduce the uproar. The response I got was quite alarming; “who complained when you were making noise yesterday?” The response was a direct attack with the intent of being defensive. Summarily, once you discover that you are making excuses, cross-complaining, turning tables, repeating yourself and denying your responsibility; it is a sign that you are becoming defensive. Watch it!

4. Overcoming Stonewalling:

Stonewalling is the deliberate delay or obstruction of your partner’s requests by refusing to answer questions or by being evasive perhaps due to a friction yet unsettled. Stonewalling is the most deadly out of these four relationship issues because it is capable of causing a great “silent” divide between two partners. When stone-walling is nurtured for a long time, it becomes a habit hence; self-destructive. If you’re to overcome stonewalling, you have to actively participate in the discussion with your partner. Let your partner know how you are feeling. Maintain eye contact and always nod in affirmation to your partner’s concerns.

On a final note; listen first, even if you have something to say.

The post Steps to Overcoming Relationship Issues appeared first on Hermaze | Relationship, Beauty, Fashion, Family Articles for Women.

Relationship issues Archives | Hermaze | Relationship, Beauty, Fashion, Family Articles for Women